Yes, Officer, I - I know, that is, uh, I’m fully aware of all that but–and this is kinda hard to explain–it doesn’t take into account our sexual problem. Well, more accurately, uh, my sexual problem because in all honesty it’s my problem and not some shared–not hers and mine together. It’s just my ego and her politeness that made it “ours.”
See Officer, my problem was, uh, a real relationship killer until I met Her. Not many women can handle the odd intimacy neurosis – let alone what I suffer from – but She could, which, uh, I guess is really the worst part of this whole fiasco. ‘Cause now, whatever happens, I don’t have that sort of accepting partner to “come home to” as it were. Though it’s a bit discomforting at the same time now because, uh, I’m wondering if that was all that kept us together. My problem, that is. We didn’t have a whole hell of a lot in common –
Hmm? Oh, sorry. I get off in tangents, just feel free to interrupt me. But anyway, getting back to my problem...
I’d like to point out I am not a pervert, despite how this may all sound. I just, uh, have desires and whatnot that, let’s say “differ” from the vast majority of people. See, I can’t really get off when I’m with a woman without following a, uh, pretty complex procedure. You’re probably thinking this would cause me some problems and you’d be absolutely right. Not many woman – well, people – are willing to accept some minor “kink” and I’ve got one, uh, hell of a “kink” thing. Used to be I wouldn’t even bring it up until later in a relationship and that was just really uncomfortable. I was actually with this one woman for, uh, about a year before telling her. A – a whole goddamn year – year of faking orgasms and jerking - off in the shower. That’s no way for a man to live, Officer.
I know... I’m getting to it...
My problem is essentially this: First, uh, I need my significant other to run naked around the bed sort of like an ostrich – her arms straight down and legs kicking out behind – while I, uh, lie on the bed and masturbate. Then, she has to crawl on top of me and say in as deep a voice as possible “I am the walrus!” and I, uh, respond “Coo - coo - cachoo!” It’s this call and response thing and we do it a few times –
Please, Officer. As I said at the very beginning, I’m no pervert or monster. I just have, uh, tastes that may differ from you or other people. A Coke or Pepsi sort of thing. Besides, I wasn’t finished...
So, up until this point I’ll, uh, venture to guess most women would be willing to play along, even if they thought it was, uh, kind of silly. See, the part that turns most women off is what comes next. I don’t suppose you were, uh, there or you heard – Oh, you weren’t? Didn’t hear about it? Uh, okay, then. This may be a bit hard to explain...
You see Officer, I use this special harness – or swing, I guess – to get both the woman and, uh, myself in the right positions. I actually had to make it myself, you can’t buy it anywhere. Well, you can buy plenty of “sex swings,” but nothing that would really, uh, fit. Do you see what I’m saying?
So, basically the, uh, harness holds my partner and I together in, you know, the normal position – I mean, uh, missionary but not really. We’re kinda joined at the hips, you know, but suspended in the air, sort of. Now this – this isn’t the actual sexual problem.
See, Officer, I can’t climax unless my partner is suspended in the air with a rope tying her arms back so they’re, uh, sort of looped. Now, what I do, see, is slide my arms through hers, like so, so I can reach the rope and, uh, pull myself into... you know, the whole thrusting thing. I know it’s complicated, but what works, uh, works.
So, this time – as in right before I was brought here, Officer – I was having some trouble and just wanted to finish for her sake. I’m not some deviant sex fiend, you know. I respected her as, uh, a human being.
– Now I should, uh, explain something here: The harness has this part that loops over my partner’s neck. No, no, it’s not a noose or anything, just enough to arch her back and – really, it’s, uh, integral to the whole slipping-my-arms-through process and never intended as some form of autoeroticism or whatnot...
So this particular time, when I’m having trouble, I start pulling on that part of the harness–which, honestly, doesn’t even go all 360º around her neck so it cannot be considered a noose, you know... I start pulling myself more into the thrusting to get more out of it and finish and I finally, uh, orgasm and I think that’s when it happened because I yell “choo-choo” really loud when it – my orgasm, not it – when it happens so I probably didn’t hear the, uh, snap...
Officer, I know what you must be thinking. I mean, uh, I’m aware of how this sounds – I’m a degenerate, I’m a horrible person, yadda yadda – you know, it’s not like I don’t think these things of myself. Oh, not because of my sexual problem, I’m perfectly fine with all that. It’s just that she’s not, uh, “here” I guess is the thing...
Trevor Kroger is an independent author and scholar residing in Brooklyn, NY. His novels Fiend and One Nation Under God are available onAmazon and Smashwords.